Thursday, October 2, 2014
If I was the me I could have been if the infection hadn't come and puss brains hadn't destroyed my entire life, I would look at the me I am now and be totally freaked. Probably disgusted too. I sat by the fire tonight, snug in my snow-covered cabin, and thought this all out. I don't feel guilty about shooting those two guys, about killing them. No, I really don't. I regret that it came to that but I don't feel guilty about doing it.
They weren't puss brains ... in a way they were worse. Puss brains are sick. There's no hope for them. Their brains are so far gone and so damaged that a full recovery is impossible. I honestly haven't seen much evidence that a partial recovery is possible. They show signs of being clever, but not of true intelligence. They would die off if left alone and not supported. I would even leave them alone for them to go naturally so long as they don't threaten me directly. Live and let live ... so long as their living didn't include me dying. That was the rule in the city and it has stayed good enough to live by even now.
Those men on the other hand ... those men had the ability to make a choice and they chose to be animals even though they knew it was wrong. They were going to come after me just to hurt Sarge, just to get some kind of gratification out of you know what. But the you know what wasn't even their main goal, it was more of a power thing. Sherry told me a long time ago that sex was about more about power than anything else. I didn't understand what she meant then 'cause when she said it I didn't really have much more than a small idea of what sex was to begin with; knowing what you do when you do it is a lot different than knowing why you do it. But almost every example I've seen of sex since Z-Day just proves more and more that Sherry was right. Moses and Sherry ... Sherry was with Moses mostly because of Moses' power as leader, it was a way to get protection. Sarge and Dr. Riccardo ... it seems that Dr. Riccardo was using Sarge a lot more than the other way around though I suppose I could be sort a wrong there. Lee and that Michelle ... she used her body as a way to make Lee go in the direction she wanted him to go and I guess as a young guy he just wasn't inoculated against that kind of thing. Doc and Jerry and all the others that wanted to "protect" me by controlling me. Heck, even Jace and Sunny in a way with Sunny being the senior partner by getting what she wanted from Jace by giving him what he thought he had wanted.
I wonder if my parents were just weird or different or something. I mean it is truly gross to think about my parents doing it but since Toddie and I are here I gotta figure they did some of the time. But no matter how I think about it I don't think sex between them - bleach for my brain, ugh - was about power. I don't know if they were just two strange people that found each other and fell in love or if the world has changed so much since Z Day that love is something that you can use as a reason for being with someone anymore. Sometimes I think about this stuff and want to throw those books I found in the stove and burn them up 'til they are nothing but ash. It's like they create impossible goals. Romance and all that stuff ... I'm beginning to think it can't exist these days and I don't know if that is good or not or if it ever existed in the first place, at least not for most normal people.
There's a reason why I was thinking about this love and sex stuff but I'm not there yet.
After I got done tossing my cookies - my nose is really sensitive and one of the guys had messed himself when he was dying - I sat there trying to think what I needed to do next. Killing uninfected people is just different than putting a puss brain down with mercy in mind. I mean I know some people will say there is no difference - that killing is killing - but there is a difference for me. Call it rationalizing or whatever, I've heard it before and probably will again. I will admit that you can't always tell the difference when an infected and uninfected are lying side by side and dead.
First I needed to get rid of the bodies. That part wasn't going to be hard as far as planning went ... just hard work to accomplish. No need to bury them - it was too freezing cold anyway and the ground would have chewed up any kind of digging tool - just put them on a tarp and drag them into the woods and let the scavengers have them. I wasn't too thrilled with the idea of giving wild animals more of a taste for humans as food than they already had but my options were limited. I just needed to get them far enough away from the cabin that if they were found that it couldn't be connected back to me. I also needed to make sure that I didn't inadvertently contaminate any local water sources. That could be bad. Doc taught me that human remains have lots of germs and gross stuff even when they aren't infected. No amount of boiling is going to de-gross-ify a bucket of water if you have to strain teeth or tissue out of it. Makes me want to hurl all over again at the very idea. There is just something totally wiggy about even accidentally being a cannibal.
Secondly, it wasn't just the bodies that needed to be gotten rid of. They'd bled all over in the clean, white snow. It looked like a nasty bull’s-eye pointing in my direction. And there'd been a lot of blood. But it was cold so the warm blood melted the snow and it basically kind of went from oozing red stuff, to slushy red stuff, to a frozen block of red stuff that had spread across the top and down into the snow where the bodies were lying. And the other fluids I'm just not going to go into. The human body tends to let go and do disgusting things went it is dying. I can't even imagine what working in a hospital or hospice center must be like. I know I want to be respectful but that takes a strong dedication and a strong stomach. I normally have the strong stomach - my nerves that day an exception due to the scare of nearly suffocating and then the threat of the attack - but the dedication to human decency is just something I don't think I have. I'm no monster but I think something got beat out of me in the city. I'm starting to look for it again but I don't know if it will ever be there like it could have been. Losing contact with your emotions isn't the great thing some people might tell you it is. I don't want to be a sociopath my whole life.
But to survive and do the things I have to do to survive I can't exactly be squeamish and go around crying about stuff all the time. And I didn't have a lot of time left in the day to do what needed doing.
I rolled the men's bodies onto a tarp and then started going through their stuff. I took their packs off and took them down into the cabin and emptied them out into a tub which I temporarily slipped under the bunk bed until I could go through everything. Their packs were nothing special and I knew it would look suspicious if they were found without them so I took those back up and stuffed their undies back in there as no matter how desperate I am, I am not going to try and decide between boxers or briefs. I'd rather go commando than wear some guy's used underwear.
Next came the not fun part of going through their coats and pockets. Wasn't much. They'd been outfitted to the bare minimum and most of it looked cheap, homemade, or salvaged ... or some combination of the three. Both of the men had pocket knives but the tips were broken on all of the blades. I shoved what was worth keeping in my coat pockets and then started pulling them away from the hole. When they were completely out of the splatter zone I got a shovel and started scooping up the frozen bits and blobs of blood. The one guy had really bled out and most of it on the ground so to get all of it I had to dig a couple of feet down in the snow and lever out red ice chunks.
It left the area all churned up but there was nothing I could do about it at the time. Dragging the bodies with the bloody snow dumped on top of the load was no fun but I'm stronger than I look and I managed to pull them about three-quarter of a mile down an old forestry road that went in the opposite direction from the cabin. There was enough debris on top of the snow in that area that the drag marks weren't obvious, and what was slowly got obliterated by the wind that had started to pick up. I figured these guys would have stuck with the roads anyway as they didn't look like the cross-country hiker types. Thinking about it now I'm not even sure what their overall plans were as they couldn't just stick their thumb out and catch a ride anyplace. Or maybe they were planning to cross the border into Canada. But Canada isn't any better off than this country is from what I've heard. It is a mystery that won't ever get solved.
I debated on leaving them right in the road but instead decided to drag them into the trees a few feet. I had just finished dumping and arranging the bodies at the base of a tree when I heard twigs snapping and low growling in the trees around me.