Sunday, August 17, 2014
I remember feeling empty ... a feeling that hasn't left me yet, not completely. I carefully folded the note and stuck it in my pocket and it stayed there for a long time. Until this morning in fact. I don't know what I was holding onto it for. But when I needed something to light the fire in the wood chips so I could cure the next round of meat, I pulled it out, twisted it, and it worked just as good as a twist of Mr. Svenson's collection of trail maps he had collected for toilet paper. Now there's a man who personifies the idea of having a plan before you need one.
The rest of the stuff on the boulder was their clothes. Sunny's and Jace's. I just stood there looking at the pile. I'm sure he expected me to just pick them up and put them in the supplies in the truck but I didn't. For all I know they are still sitting right there on that big rock. Or maybe someone who needed them took them. Right now I don't even care if it was a puss brain that did it. There was no way I was just going to calmly gather their clothes and keep going.
I turned my back on the water. I knew I'd never find any sign of them. Doc explained to me about suicides after we had a couple in our group during the early days. He said that most suicide attempts were just calls for help. Those types usually made a way out for themselves or had a lifeline like someone who would rescue them or stop them just in time. Most of the time anyway. But there was a small group of suicides that meant to do exactly what they were doing and were in fact so determined that they made sure that there was no way out for them. I'm not explaining it right or with much compassion I'm sure; it just still makes me angry.
I never figured Jace would do what he did. Oh I worried but at the worst I thought he'd be the "cry for help" type, but even that barely crossed my mind. Especially after Sunny came along and gave him someone to really take care of again. Some people are like that, they need to take care of someone else even if it doesn't make for a very healthy relationship. I don't know why that is, just that it is.
I also don't know why I turned into someone that doesn't want someone else taking care of me. I used to be that way. I never wanted to leave Dad or Mom. But I was a child then. I guess I lost whatever that means. I'm not all that much older now but Dad and Mom seem so far away and then I learned I couldn't count on anyone to stay. Eventually everyone leaves even if they don't mean to.
What has been the hardest to accept, a connection I'd barely wanted to admit to myself, was that both Jace and I knew how it felt to have everyone leave us. What I'll never understand is why, knowing how much that hurt, he had to just pick up and leave me with nothing but a note that didn't answer a blasted thing. I know I'm not much but I can be a really good friend. I never would have left him in the lurch, never left him to suffer life as a puss brain, never just chosen to leave like nothing else mattered.
Yeah, that's the part that has hurt the most. I've learned to live with it like I've learned to live with everything else. But I'll never understand it. Never. And I'll never say that it was ok what he did.
Everyone eventually leaves, that's a fact that can't be changed.