Sunday, August 17, 2014

Part 46


By the time you get this it will be too late.  Dumb way to start a note like this but it's true.  There's no way you can stop this or me.  No way I am going to let you stop me.  I drugged the cocoa.  You'll be upset about that for a while but you'll see that it was best.

Sunny died.  You knew she would regardless of what you said.  I knew she was going to die too; it was just a matter of time.  Being dead isn't the bad part.  Its the suffering to get there that I hate.  She had one last seizure before she finally gave up.  It was bad.  I held her until she died and the look on her face was like she was grateful that it was finally over.  Just picture my face looking the same way.

Things have been wrong for so long.  Ever since Clarey died.  I know I wouldn't talk to you about her much but that is because it was sacred.  You could never have understood Clarey without having met her.  Poor Clarey ... and it was my fault.  I was trying to force her to be someone she wasn't.  She was so scared that morning and I made her watch the truck anyway and walked away to try and do some hunting.  By the time I came back it was too late.  She didn't get a big dose so it took her a while to really show the symptoms but she knew they were coming.  And the pain ... she knew by the pain what was coming too.

In the end I took care of her death and burial better than I ever took care of her while she was alive.  I wasn't good enough for Clarey and no matter how I've tried to redeem myself since I'm still not good enough.  Uncle Simon, Sammy, John-John ... they all died when they shouldn't have.  They wouldn't have died if I had just figured out what was going on.  At the very least Sammy and John-John would have still be here if I'd done what I said I was going to, what had felt like the right thing to do at the time ... burn down that damn house.  But I didn't.  I wasn't strong enough or smart enough and Sammy - half crazy Sammy - managed to fool me.

Now Sunny.  I had a third chance and I still failed.  And not just because I couldn't teach her what she needed to know but I failed Clarey by jumping into bed with a girl I barely knew and who probably barely knew what she was doing herself.

They all suffered.  Everyone of them.  And now there's you.  You're not dead ... not yet ... but I've given it some thought and the only reason you aren't is because you never really needed me to begin with.  You could have learned what I taught you from anyone ... you already know how to fish.  Like I said, the rest will come to you with practice.

I have a confession.  I didn't teach you to drive because I wondered if I did would you simply take off one day and not look back.  I know you aren't like that ... at least now I do ... but in the beginning I wondered and worried.  That's my one regret.  But it isn't rocket science and the truck is an automatic.  Just take it nice and slow and you'll be fine.  With November finally here with the snow, the puss brains will be too slow to hassle you much.  You'll do fine.

And now I'm gonna go do what I probably should have done a long time ago.  But this water and the cold will suit me better.  I've heard drowning isn't a bad way to go after you put your mind to it.  And the cold will sap my will to fight the inevitable pretty quickly.  The current is still running good in the middle of the river here even if the shore is freezing up a bit.  The snow has shredded Sunny's clothes ... and her skin ... but she isn't feeling it any longer.  But I'm going to take her with me.  I don't want to leave you to bury her with the ground all frozen.  I can at least do that.

I know you are probably going to think I'm a jerk and I know in a way I'm breaking my promise to you.  But it can't be helped and I really don't care anymore..  I can't ... won't ... go on this way another moment.  My mind is made up and it is time to leave this hell of a life I've been living.


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