Friday, August 15, 2014

Part 40

I still don't know how to write all this down.  It has been weeks, longer than that maybe, since I've written anything down.  Actually I know it has been longer than weeks, I just don't know how much longer.  Days go by and they all seem the same.  This is better than being in the city but kinda of harder too.  OK, not kinda ... it has been harder.

I don't know what made me get the itch to pick up this notebook.  Boredom more than likely.  But once I picked it up I couldn't seem to put it down.  It's like if I write down what has happened I can accept it.  I know I have to but it has just been one thing right after another.  I guess the only way to really get through this is to just do it.  Even if it does make me cry, who is going to care?

I don't know why I'm even bothering.  But maybe  "journaling" it all out is best after all.  For a long time now I've tried not to feel anything at all.  Then suddenly I woke up and realized I wasn't just not feeling, I was forgetting how to feel.  I know that is not good.  If I forget how to feel it won't just be the bad stuff; I'm forgetting how the good stuff feels too.  I'm forgetting that there has been good stuff in my life.  I'm getting as frozen as the land around me has been.  I'm not even sure what the day or date is.

Like Mr. Svenson would say, "The stars aren't out to guide me.  Need to make a wind and blow the clouds out of the way."

It all started in Spooner I guess ... or maybe it was Ploomer where Sunny started thinking about what she was missing or disatisfied with what she'd got into or something.  Or maybe it started when Jace started to realized he'd bit off a lot, or that jumping into bed for comfort or to be comforted by Sunny was a mistake, or maybe for Jace it started long before that.  Yeah, for Jace it started way before that.  All I do know is that Spooner, such as it was, was the last bit of peace I've had for a while.

This beginning stuff is hard and I've got a trap line to walk.  I'm going to have to write some more on this some other time.


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